I faked an abortion last night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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