just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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