dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
