when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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