Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The Olympian is in my bed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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