I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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