stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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