If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
