this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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