I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
