i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
