I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
