I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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