Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
