I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
