sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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