Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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