Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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