i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
