He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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