so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Be still, my beating vagina.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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