She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
