i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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