im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
