It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
