quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
