I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
