I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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