like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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