So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
