my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
