sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
