I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
