READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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