apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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