literally had 100 drinks last night.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
