If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
