it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
