I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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