If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
