I puked a lego.
I faked an abortion last night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
