i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
