You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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