So drunk its hurt
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
