Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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