I just threw up on my dentist
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We have so much sex to catch up on
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
