Is it because I queefed?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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