I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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