Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
