Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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