Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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