I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
